Three Conversations

Source: Difficult Conversations, by Stone, Patton, and Heen; p 18-19

cf.: Observable Data, and Difficult Conversations Checklist.

Conversation A Battle of Messages A Learning Conversation
The "What Happened?" conversation.

Challenge: The situation is more complex than either person can see

Assumption: I know all I need to know to understand what happened

Goal: persuade them I'm right

Assumption: Each of us is bringing different information and perceptions to the table; there are likely to be important things that each of us doesn't know

Goal: Explore each other's stories: how we understand the situation and why.

Assumption: I know what they intended

Goal: Let them know what they did was wrong

Assumption: I know what I intended, and the impact their actions had on me.  I don't and can't know what's in their head.

Goal: Share the impact on me, and find out what they were thinking.  Also find out what impact I'm having on them.

Assumption: It's all their fault.  (Or it's all my fault.)

Goal: Get them to admit blame and take responsibility for making amends.

Assumption: We have probably both contributed to this mess.

Goal: Understand the contribution system; how our actions interact to produce this result.

The Feeling Conversation.

Challenge: The situation is emotionally charged.

Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant and wouldn't be helpful to share.  (Or, my feelings are their fault and they need to hear about them.)

Goal: Avoid talking about feelings.  (Or let 'em have it!)

Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the situation.  Feelings are usually complex.  I may have to dig a bit to understand my feelings.

Goal: Address feelings (mine and theirs) without judgments or attributions.  Acknowledge feelings before problem solving.

The Identity Conversation

Challenge: The situation threatens our identity.

Assumption: I'm competent or incompetent, good or bad, lovable or unlovable.  There is no in-between.

Goal: Protect my all-or-nothing self-image.

Assumption: There may be a lot at stake psychologically for both of us.  Each of us is complex, neither of us is perfect.

Goal: Understand the identity issues on the line for each of us.  Build a more complex self-image to maintain my balance better.

 
Ashley Guberman, Organizational Development Resources