How To Win Friends & Influence People

Author: Dale Carnegie

My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extend upon my skill in dealing with people.

Fundamental Techniques In Handling People

1. If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive

Criticism is utile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.  Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

by criticizing, we do not make lasting changes, and often incur resentment.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain -- and most fools do.  But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

Instead of condemning people, try to understand them.  Try to figure out why they do what they do.  that's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and in breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.  "To know all is to forgive all."

Don't criticize, condemn or complain.

2. The big secret of dealing with people

Charles Schwab: I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.  There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as the criticisms from superiors.  I never criticize anyone.  I believe in giving a person incentive to work.  So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault.  If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.

The difference between appreciation and flattery?  That is simple.  One is sincere and the other insincere.  One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out.  One is unselfish; the other selfish.  One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good thing, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow human being let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."  (Stephen Grellet, 1773-1855, French-born Quaker Minister)

Emerson: Every man I meet is my superior in some way.  In that, I learn of him.

Give honest and sincere appreciation.

3. He who can do this has the whole world with him.  He who cannot walks a lonely way.

Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.  How about the time you gave a large contribution to the Red Cross?  Yes, that is no exception to the rule.  You gave the Red Cross the donation because you wanted to lend a helping hand; you wanted to do a beautiful, unselfish, divine act.  "Inasmuch as ye have done it onto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it onto me."
If you hadn't wanted that feeling more than you wanted your money, you would not have made the contribution.  Of course, you might have made the contribution because you were ashamed to refuse or because a customer asked you to do it.  But one thing is certain.  You made the contribution because you wanted something.

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something.  Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: How can I make this person want to do it?"

Henry Ford:  If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get to the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own.

Professor Overstreet: First, arouse in the other person an eager want.  He who can do this has the whole world with him.  He who cannot walks a lonely way.

Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Do this and you'll be welcome anywhere

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others.  It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.  -- Alfred Adler (Psychologist), in What Life Should Mean to You.

Become genuinely interested in other people.

2. A simple way to make a good first impression

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

William James (Psychologist): Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.
Thus, the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there ..."

Chinese proverb: A man without a smiling face must not open a shop

 Smile.

3 If you don't do this, you are headed for trouble.

Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

4. An easy way to become a good conversationalist.

Listening is just as important in one's home life as in the world of business.

Reader's Digest: Many persons call a doctor when all they want is an audience.

Regarding Sigmund Freud's listening: "It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him.   He had qualities which I had never seen in any other man.  Never had I seen such concentrated attention.  There was none of that piercing 'soul penetrating gaze' business.  His eyes were mild and genial.  His voice was low and kind.  His gestures were few.  But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly was extraordinary.  You've no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.

Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.  A person's toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.  A boil on one's neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa.  Think of that the next time you start a conversation.

Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves.

5. How to Interest People

Talk in terms of the other person's interests.

6. How to make people like you instantly

Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours

Make the other person feel important -- and do it sincerely.

How To Win People To Your Way of Thinking

1. You can't win an argument.

A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

Ben Franklin:  If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will.

"Here lies the body of William Jay
Who died maintaining his right of way --
He was right, dead right, as he sped along, 
But he's just as dead as if he were wrong."

Buddhist saying: "Hatred is never ended by hatred, but by love."  And a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's view point.

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

2. A sure way of making enemies -- and how to avoid it.

Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.

Galileo: You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

Socrates: One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.

Harvey Robinson (The Mind in the Making): ... most of our so-called reasoning consists in finding arguments for going on believing as we already do.

When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves.  And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness.  But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.

Show respect for the other person's opinions.  Never say "You're wrong."

3. If you're wrong, admit it.

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors.  It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes -- and most fools do -- but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes.

If you're wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

4. A drop of honey

Woodrow Wilson: If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, 'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and if we differ from each other, understand why it is that we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and that if we only have patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together."

There is a fable of the sun and the wind.  They quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, "I'll prove I am.  See the old man down there with a coat?  I bet I can get his coat off of him quicker than you can."
So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew and blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.
Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man.  Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat.  The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.

Begin in a friendly way.

5. The secret of Socrates

He who treads softly goes far (Chinese proverb)

Get the other person saying "Yes, Yes" immediately.

6. The safety valve in handling complaints

"If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you" - la Rochefoucauld (French Philosopher)

Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

7. How to get cooperation

"The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.  Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams.  So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them.  Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury."  Lao-tse

Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

8. A formula that will work wonders for you

Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view

9. What everybody wants

Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires

10. An appeal that everybody likes

Appeal to the nobler motives

11. The movies do it.  TV does it.  Why don't you do it?

Dramatize your ideas.

12. When nothing else works, try this

Throw down a challenge

Be a leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. If you must find fault, this is the way to begin

Begin with praise and honest appreciation

2. How to criticize -- and not be hated for it.

Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.

3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

4. No one likes to take orders

Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

5. Let the other person save face.

"I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself.  Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."  -- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry 

6. How to spur people on to success

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it.  But nobody wants insincerity.  Nobody wants flattery.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.  Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

7. Give a dog a good name.

Give a dog a bad name, and you may as well hang him.  But give him a good name -- and see what happens.

Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

8. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9. Making people glad to do what you want

1. Be sincere.  do not promise anything that you cannot deliver.  forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is that you want the other person do 
3. Be empathetic.  Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person's wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.